To the Medical Team of the newly grieving mother

 

Over the past few years, I’ve had the incredible privilege of sharing our story and encouraging nurses at various Perinatal Bereavement Classes—equipping them to offer compassionate care to patients walking through stillbirth, miscarriage, and infant loss. I often hear questions like: “What is helpful? What should we avoid saying? How can we support these families well?” 

First, I want to say thank you. The nurses and doctors who cared for me left a lasting impact. I remember their names and faces even years later. I’m so grateful for the roles they’ve played in our story. 

This message is for you—the nurses, doctors, anesthesiologists, food-service workers, and every hospital staff member who shows up for grieving mothers. Your presence matters more than you know.

Here is how you can help:

Acknowledge

Acknowledge the Baby, the Mother, and the Loss. Acknowledge that a baby was born and that a mother gave birth. Even in death, this baby’s life matters. Use the baby’s name. Refer to the mother as a mom—because she is. This is not “just a medical event.” It’s the birth and death of a child, and it will shape this mother forever. Treat the baby with the same dignity and care you would offer a living child.

Don't try to fix it

There’s no fixing this (though we certainly welcome your medical expertise in physical areas that may need some “fixing”). No words will take the pain away—and that’s okay. Simply saying “I’m so sorry” can mean so much. You don’t have to hide your emotions. If you shed a tear, it shows you care. It’s ok to show that you are a real person in that moment. You don’t need to grasp for the perfect words.

Give the gift of time

Offer—and re-offer—opportunities to see, hold, and care for their baby. Some parents aren’t ready at first, but that can change. Gently suggest they can bathe or dress their baby if they want to. Give them time. Be patient. Don’t rush the process. These moments may be the only ones they ever get.

Offer to take photos

“Would you mind if I took a few photos of the three of you with your phone? They’ll be on your phone, so you can look at them whenever you're ready and decide what you'd like to do with them.” I’ll never forget the nurse who gently offered this when I was foggy-headed and overwhelmed. Even if the parents aren’t sure in the moment, offer to take pictures—or help them connect with a bereavement photographer. One day, they might treasure those photos or wish they had them. 

Give bite-sized info

Give information in bite-sized pieces. Understand that grief impacts concentration and memory. Parents might need to hear the same information multiple times before it sinks in. Tell them what happened. Tell them what to expect moving forward. Ask, “Do you have any questions for me? Is there anything I can help with?” Repeat as needed. 

Offer resources

Does the family wish to speak to a chaplain? Meet with a lactation consultant? Provide information  about counseling, support groups, funeral homes, and follow-up care. Ensure the family has contact information for questions or emergencies. Offer yourself- one of my nurses said, “I went through something very similar and I’m here if you ever want to talk.”  It meant so much and I took her up on that. 

Don't say:

You can try again / It was meant to be / Maybe it’s because... / Heaven needed another angel / You’ll have another baby / They wouldn’t want you to be sad / Anything starting with “At least...“

Instead say:

I’m so sorry for your loss / I’m here if you need to talk / Your baby is beautiful / What is his/her name? / Look at all that beautiful hair / You aren’t alone in this / It’s okay to cry / I’m praying for you