I wasn't ready

"Are you sure you’re ready for this?”

I staggered under the weight of the question. Ready? How? Give me a manual. I’m unprepared, incapable, far from ready. 

As we walked through the weeks following Ethan’s diagnosis, each specialist delicately outlined the severity of his condition. They did their best to help us envision what it could look like to bring him home, if he survived. 

Many medical needs. 

Developmental concerns. 

The possibility of completely dependence on us for the rest of his life.

Was I ready? Of course not. 

But yes. Yes, yes, yes, one-hundred times over. 

No one is ever ready to watch their child struggle. To be thrust into the world of becoming an honorary medical “expert”, schooled by hospital stays, sickness, and advocating for a loved one with a rare condition. Is anyone ever truly ready? 

On my own strength, no. 

Not ready. 

Not equipped. 

Not strong. 

But yes to my child. Yes to becoming as knowledgeable as I could of his condition. Yes to loving him—ALL of him—unconditionally. Yes to the sacrificial love of a mother. 

And most importantly YES to relying on Jesus to be my strength. To lean on Him in my weakness and unpreparedness. To trust Him. To follow Him. To rest in Him.

‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12:9 “But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”