When there are no answers.
There seems to be an inner drive in humans to seek explanations as to why painful things happen. We see heartaches such as sickness, loss, financial trouble, etc. and grasp for the root cause. Knowing the cause gives us a sense of control, as we try to protect ourselves and our families by avoiding the things that may trigger these outcomes. But sometimes we can't pinpoint a reason. Sometimes suffering enters the world, filtered through the hands of a good, sovereign God, simply because the world is broken and this is not the end.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
After losing our third baby, my husband and I underwent testing for a variety of disorders, health issues, and genetic conditions. I hoped the tests would show definitive answers. It was an ironic thing to hope for, but I felt a diagnosis would give us peace of mind and clarity moving forward.
Every tests came back clear.
"You're not a carrier..."
"Sometimes we just don't know..."
"Just keep trying..."
Ever pregnancy had a different complication, ruling out most underlying causes of loss. Chromosome abnormality. Early miscarriage. Blighted ovum. Identical twin loss. And with our living son, incompetent cervix (thank you, Jesus, for allowing this to be caught early enough for intervention).
No diagnosed reason. No explanation.
I know so little, but here's what I do know--none of this is a mystery to God. He knew each of our babies before they were conceived. He knows every hair on our heads. He holds it all. And He is good.
I think again on the ending of the book of Job, when God speaks and doesn't give Job any answers regarding his suffering. He simply speaks about WHO He is, and that is enough for Job. I pray my heart may humbly submit and rest in this. I want to be like Job and rest in the answer of WHO God is, even when I do not have the answer to those "why" questions.