The New Year: A letter to Ethan

My Sweet Ethan,

A new year is just days away and I am not sure how I feel about it. It's been the hardest year of my life and, at times, I've wished that the year would end. I've half-jokingly said that I want 2015 to leave and never come back.

I'm so sorry, sweet baby. I never truly meant it. My heart just hurts so badly sometimes and I say things that I don't mean. I've always tended to respond to heartache in that way. I suppose it's easier to be angry than to be hurt.  I am sorry, my little love. I was never angry- only hurt- because I love you so and miss you with every part of me.

 I refuse to let my aching heart create anger within me. You were a beautiful gift. You were worth every moment. My aching heart does not compare to the joy that being your mom gives me.

Saying goodbye to 2015 is bittersweet. Although I have hope that the future holds good things, I want to tell you that 2015 has been the best year of my life.

2015 was our year.

It was the year that Daddy and I first learned of you. It was a year filled with joy.

2015 was the year that you and I were inseparable for seven months. It was the year that we sang in the car, listened to talk radio, read the Bible, went on brisk walks and ate all of the foods that your little body needed and craved.  It was the year that you grew to love Daddys voice. It was the year that you flipped, kicked and danced throughout the day and into the night. The year that you stumped the doctors time and time again.

2015 was the year that my understanding of unconditional love deepened. It was the year that I my heart was built into the heart of a mother. The year that I knew that I would have gladly done anything and everything to keep you safe.

2015 was the year that we held you. It was the year that we gazed upon your perfect face and kissed your tiny nose. It was the year that you breathed the same air as us. It was the year that you snuggled against my chest and slept.

2015 was the year that you entered into eternity with Jesus in heaven. It was the year that I began to think deeper about heaven; about the free gift that I was offered because of Jesus' death and resurrection.

2015 was the most beautiful, challenging, wonderful year of my life and I would live it again and again.

As we leave 2015, I don't know whether to feel sad or joyful. Leaving 2015 brings me further from you, yet closer to seeing you again.

Not a minute goes by that we don't think about you. You will always be loved. Thank you for making 2015 the best year.

We love you, sweetie pie.

Love always,


  1. Blessed memories of 2015 and peaceful anticipation of blessings in 2016. XOXO

  2. Praying for you - that you can heal more in 2016 and that you receive more blessings this year. Stay strong.


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