Monday, September 7, 2015

A letter to Ethan


Sweet Ethan, 

You used to wake me up every morning at 3:30am with your little kicks and wiggles. I used to lay awake and just smile and marvel at the miracle growing inside of me. Now that you're gone, I wake up at 3:30 almost every night. This morning I woke at 3:30 and thought of you. 

It's been three weeks since you went to Heaven and Daddy and I are missing you like crazy. I have no regrets over you, sweet baby. If someone had told me months ago about what was coming, I still would've gone through everything. I would've happily endured every queasy morning, the horrible week that we learned that you may have a hard road ahead of you and how much it deeply hurt me to hear others suggest we give up on you, the fears, the backaches, laboring you to 8cm (you speedy boy!), another emergency c-section, the physical pain, the slow recovery, the heartache of losing you, the unlimited tears we've cried over you, just to meet you. 

It's been so hard sweet boy. But I'd do it all again for you. Just for an hour with you.

They say you fall in love so quickly when you first hold your child and they are right. The bond began forming the moment we learned you were coming, and the moment we saw you we never wanted more. You were worth every minute. 

I'm so grateful for the 93 minutes we got to hold you, before you went to Heaven. They were the happiest moments of my life. When the doctors told Daddy and I that you were not going to stay with us, we were devastated. We wanted you to stay with us forever. We cried so much. But my sweet son, some of those tears were tears of joy. Meeting you was amazing. The love we felt for you was overwhelming. 

We won't be afraid to talk about you, baby. We'll gladly tell anyone who asks about our sweet son. Your future siblings will hear stories about you. Your photo will hang with the others. No one will ever replace you. You'll always be our little love. We love you more than words on earth can begin to say. 

You've changed our world forever.

Love always,
Mommy

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